How many times can you remember being really, really happy for no reason at all' That type of happiness is like a silver stream of water that gushes and flows over. It can happen at any time, often when you're not expecting it and as you get older feelings of sadness have the same effect. You might be walking along and catch a glimpse of someone who holds his head like your dad, or wears the same sort of cap. You might see something out of the corner of your eye that reminds you of a loved one, hear some music, see the new moon or the evening star and wish you could just pick up the phone and say' can you see the moon'' even though you're hundreds of miles away.
If I knew I was going to see my parents for Christmas I could listen to any song or carol and feel a warm happy glow. If I wasn't going to be able to see them then certain bits of those old songs were agony to listen to, like ?Someday soon we all will be together.'
The fact is that once you've lost your parents you never ever get over it, the pain is always there, deep and hurting, you just learn to cover it up. I've got lots of happy memories of Christmas growing up, when mum and dad were there in my life like a big soft blanket that made everything alright. I was always aware that they were there so happy memories all involve them being in my life, a reassuring presence every day.
This is got a bit melancholy and I didn't want it to be, I started off talking about happy joyful, bubbling over with happiness and love moments. One of these happened when I was ten at the school Christmas party. We were allowed to wear our own clothes and I had a twist dress that I loved. It had a flounce so when I did the twist, or what I thought was the Twist, a general wriggling movement it span around. A Beatles record came on 'I Feel Fine' and as I twirled and twisted and smiled at all my school friends I really felt fine.
We didn't know, the ones growing up together then that we were living through a great period of change, the music reflected this, but when I was ten I knew nothing of teenage angst and dilemmas facing those years, so now when I want to feel extra specially happy I play the music from those years and feel fine.
Your hearts will sing along or cry along, but whatever it does hang on to the happy memories.
